The Most Important Step in My Fitness Journey: Unlearning Fetisized Thinness
CW: Body Image, Body Dysmorphia, Fatphobia
Throughout my journey with strength training, my relationship to my body has changed significantly. I’ve learned to appreciate my body for being my home and allowing me to experience life, removing the moral brush so many paint exercise and fitness with. Movement and strength training are something I get to do, a practice I prioritize, but are not part of giving my body worth. With this said, there have been long periods where I’ve struggled with poor body image, body dysmorphia, and subsequent unhealthy relationships to movement. I’m thankful to say this is no longer the case, though how I’ve gotten to where I am today involved losing the strength I take for granted.
“I felt weak, sluggish, and disconnected from myself - yet through the eyes of a world that fetishizes weight loss and prioritizes being ‘small’ as a sign of health, I was looking the best I’d looked in years.”
Before lockdown, I was very self-aware of my back and shoulders, finding it hard to feel feminine or sexy. However, once we went into lockdown and my strength training got traded out for yoga + running, my strength reduced significantly, and with it my muscle mass. I found this shift in my training more challenging than I expected it to be, noticing how much of my identity and self-esteem came from feeling strong and connected to my body. In these months of forced time away from the gym, I found my frustration over not being able to train or push my body in the gym far outweighed any concerns I’d once had over the appearance of my body or fears over it not looking ‘right’. I found myself looking in the mirror with longing, missing the days when I felt strong and powerful. Yes, my back getting smaller meant I fit into a size down on most dresses and tops, but there was no satisfaction in this knowledge when it was at the expense of my strength.
This realization became even more stark when I started getting ‘compliments’ on how good I looked while observing that I had lost weight. Like most of us, I did not have an easy time during lockdown, and a lot of the habits and routines I had previously relied on to support my mental and physical health slipped. I wasn’t moving as regularly or prioritising foods that would nourish my body. With my reduced training, I dropped my awareness of macro and micro nutrient intake, and wasn’t prioritize eating - often forgetting to do so till my body started to protest in the late afternoon, when I’d make a bowl of ramen to tide myself over till dinner. I felt weak, sluggish, and disconnected from myself - yet through the eyes of a world that fetishizes weight loss and prioritizes being ‘small’ as a sign of health, I was looking the best I’d looked in years.
“Some people may still think my back is too big, or my arms too masculine. But those people can quite frankly fall in a hole for all I care. I don’t need their permission to feel feminine, beautiful or sexy.”
I remember looking in the mirror, seeing how much I had deflated, and being so angry that the world thought that this version of my body was better than the strong and nourished version. Yes, it was still deserving of love, compassion and beauty, but it was not being cared for, not being celebrated the same way as it was when I was strong and took up more space. I remember the sadness that came as I realized I had let this same thought process dictate how I viewed my body and its value for years. I remember the frustration that what dictated that I ‘looked good’ was based on something as meaningless as the size of my pants, vs how I was fairing mentally and physically.
Needless to say, it took this experience of losing my strength, losing my muscle mass and seeing how differently the world looked at me to truly step into and appreciate my body for all it can do and accomplish, not how it looks. It took the anger and sadness of seeing how much more I was valued when I was smaller to step in and truly appreciate my body for existing at whatever size it sits. For the last year+ that gyms have been open, my only thought while training has been to feel as strong and as connected to my body as possible - without thought for aesthetics or hitting specific PRs. The result has been not only great improvements in my mobility, cardio, and overall strength, but also huge leaps in my mental fortitude. I look at my back, at my traps, and feel nothing but gratitude that I get to move my body everyday and push my boundaries. I stand with confidence, knowing that while my past injuries may flare up, and new ones may appear in the future, I can show my body love and acceptance simply for existing, without any expectation to look or move a certain way. When I show up to my workouts, I do so with excitement and joy that I get to challenge myself, not shame or guilt over what it should or could be.
“ Do it for yourself, because just like a child dancing or a dog running through a field, one of the simplest joys of existing is moving and connecting to your body.”
Some people may still think my back is too big, or my arms too masculine. But those people can quite frankly fall in a hole for all I care. I don’t need their permission to feel feminine, beautiful or sexy. I get to feel those things simply because I exist. Just like you. Regardless of how your body looks today, tomorrow or yesterday.
So, explore your body, push its limits, find what feels good and what excites you. Do it for yourself, because just like a child dancing or a dog running through a field, one of the simplest joys of existing is moving and connecting to your body. This will look different for everyone, and SHOULD be customised to work for you and your body, but whatever it is, do it because moving is a joy and a privilege, not because your neighbour will think you look better if you drop a few lbs.
If you’re excited to get started on a movement journey grounded in love and celebration for your body, but don’t know where to start, I’m pleased to offer one-on-one training and personalized coaching to match you and your needs. In the meantime, sign up for my email list to get future writings and updates on offers and promotions.
